Rules are For Fools if They Hurt You (Mama Didn’t Raise No Fool)
Why you keep making choices that don't make you happy
My grandma had rules for everything.
No lady should leave the house without lipstick and earrings.
Make sure you’r hair is always done.
Don't wear white after Labor Day.
Always write a thank-you note.
Never show up empty-handed.
Don’t forget your “please” and “thank you’s.”
Good table manners are next to godliness.
Don’t act ugly.
Some of those rules made perfectly good sense. Some...well, let's just say no one was ever emotionally damaged or fashionably ostracized by wearing white in October. But here's the funny thing about rules.
The ones that shape our personal and professional lives are the ones rarely talked about out loud. But early on, we start writing them down in our invisible rulebook. Not because anyone told us to, but because we were paying attention.
When we were young…
We noticed who got all the good attention (and boyfriends or girlfriends).
We noticed who got praised.
We noticed who was popular.
When we became professionals…
We noticed who got promoted.
We noticed who got called "difficult."
We noticed who who was seen as part of the team
Before we know it, we've memorized a whole bunch of rules we never consciously agreed to, but decided to live by anyway!
Fit in as much as possible.
Don't disappoint people.
Don't ask for too much.
Don't be emotional.
Don't be too confident, but be confident enough to not seem insecure.
Don't be too ambitious, but don't be lazy either.
Speak up, just not too much.
Work hard and look good, but make sure it all looks effortless.
Those are only just the beginning. It’s a wonder women aren’t dying from the pure exhaustion of reading the rules, let alone living them!!
Here’s the kicker, these rules often work; at least for a while. They help us become dependable. Successful. Respected. They earn us honors, awards, promotions, glowing performance reviews and money.
As my mother still always reminds me, “Nothings for free, Danni.” Every rule has a price.
I climbed higher than I realistically thought I could. I had the dream. But I didn’t have some grand plan on how to get there. I knew I was smart and capable. But then one day, other people saw me the same way. Then I became admired. Promoted. Then, I was running an organization that mattered.
On paper, I had won.
Yet every decision I made at the hight of my career started with the same question:
"How will everyone else feel about this?"
Not...
"What do I think or feel about this?”
Or...
"What do I want?”
or “What would be best?”
I had become so fluent in everyone else's expectations that I’d forgotten the sound of my own voice. Looking back, I know I wasn't weak.
I was just VERY well-trained. There's a difference.
Many of us mistake old survival strategies for permanent life instructions.
Maybe being agreeable kept the peace in your family.
Maybe being perfect earned you the notice and love you needed and craved.
Maybe never asking for help made you feel safe and less exposed.
Those strategies may have served you beautifully once. But if you’re anxious, resentful, exhausted, or disconnected from yourself, you got to throw away that rule book.
Here's something I wish you and more women understood:
Good girlfriends deserve your loyalty, not tired old rules.
Especially if they cost you your peace; require you to shrink; or convince you that everyone else's comfort and opinions matter more than your own.
Growing doesn't always mean learning something new.
Sometimes it means questioning something old.
Ask your self this:
Who decided I always have to be the one who says yes?
Who taught me that rest has to be earned?
Who convinced me that being liked is more important than being honest?
Questions like these can make you as anxious as a long tail cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
Good!!!
That's often where freedom begins.
The goal isn't to become reckless or selfish. Heck, it’s not even in your nature.
It's to become intentional.
It’s time to decide which values still fit the woman you've become or are becoming, and which beliefs belong to that gold star girl who was simply doing her best with what she knew way back when.
Because here's the truth.
Life is far too short to spend it following rules that hurt the very person they're supposed to be protecting. That’s you (if you didn’t know it).