Real Stories: Marina Middleton, a Life Reinvented
Marina Middleton | Cofounder of Create & Cultivate (📸 Create & Cultivate)
I was perusing as I’m apt to do on LinkedIn (with a definite time limit mind you). I came across Create & Cultivate. If you’re not familiar with them (which I wasn’t) they “create events and content, provide the tools, connections, and resources to advance women personally and professionally.” I went on to peruse their site and was struck by a blog post from one of its founders Marina Middleton, entitled How I Reinvented My Entire Life in 4 Years (And How You Can Too). Her words are so personal, instead of paraphrasing them and losing their texture I’ve quoted a portion of the post below.
“I feel like I've truly reinvented myself. From the way I feel, look, act, dress, down to how I think. Everything simply feels different.
I take bigger risks and stretch myself mentally more than I ever used to think was possible. I stopped living inside the version of my life that was handed to me and started designing the one I actually wanted.
I changed what "normal" meant for me. I changed my entire reality. I stopped accepting someone else's definition of what was realistic and started deciding for myself what was actually possible. Because "that's not realistic" is just someone else's ceiling. It was never mine.
I decided what kind of woman I wanted to be and then I reverse engineered everything around that. How I spend my time. Who I spend it with. What I say yes to. I thought of the person I want to be and started thinking, "How does she dress? How does she speak? How does she show up? How does she feel? What does she stand for? How do people think of her? What do they say about her? How does she make people feel?" And I literally became that person. It wasn't about CHANGING. It was allowing myself to evolve into who I want to be and not hold on to who I "am."
And once you give yourself permission to do that, you can't unsee it. You start making choices from a completely different place. Not from fear. Not from obligation. From "this is who I am and this is what I'm building."
One more thing on that note. My actions changed and that's been my favorite part. I literally would think:
The person I am trying to be would never do or think that.
She would never allow that.
She's not scared to do that.
She doesn't get bothered by that.
She takes responsibility for that.
I also became VERY unapologetic about the KIND of accomplishments I want and how important my career was to me. I stopped playing small.
The response to this post honestly caught me off guard. So many of you DM'd me saying you needed to hear it. Which tells me a lot of you are sitting right where I was in 2022. You know something needs to shift. You can feel it. You just haven't given yourself permission yet.”
Marina goes on to provide a playbook for beginning.
I don’t know Marina, but her story is one of hope that a lot of women need to hear, and why I shared it here. You can create the person you want within the life you have.
Many women, such as myself at one time, think the change comes from the outside. Because that’s what we’ve been taught. I always thought if I got a new job or met the next career goal, the internal aching for more solid footing, trust and purpose would magically arrive. It never did. Because what I needed in the end was to BE the ME of my dreams. Not the “doing’ things of my dreams, but the being of my dreams. I didn’t know that until much later. When I did, I didn’t feel that I had the emotional capacity or time to go there, because all of it was being used up on the things that brought me self doubt, and put me in a constant state of chameleon status and proving.
I don’t believe there is anything more important in life than knowing and being who you truly are. It deserves as much dedication, development, and financial commitment as our careers. Once we do, our purpose becomes clear. Our gifts shine brighter than before. Our path is a bit smoother. We’ll find and have more happiness to give to ourselves, the people we love and the others we encounter. Let’s be clear it’s not a “better” you, you may need or want to be. It’s the true you. Here is the rub, you need to know who she is first.
How to Figure Out Who You Want to Be
Think of all the Traits You Admire in Others and Write Them Down. This can be a person of any gender. This can be a real of fictional person. Don’t limit yourself. More importantly don’t share it with anyone else. For example: I had a male staff member, regardless of any “fire” were where having was always calm. I loved that trait. There is also a fictional television character I adore whom let’s direct insults roll of her back like a duck in water. She just keeps on being her. Two character traits I adore and strive to cultivate.
List All the Character Traits You Like About Yourself. We’re constantly looking at the negative or what we perceive is “missing’ from ourselves. This step gets you out of seeing what’s “wrong” with you and into what’s “right” with you. Try to stay away from praises like “hard worker.” That’s not a state of being. You could translate that into “dedicated,” “passionate,” “loyal.” Those are ways of being that show up in every area of life, not just in work.
From the List in Step 1, Write the Character Traits You’d Like to Embody. Really think about this. It’s okay to admire a character trait and not want it for whatever reason. It could be that the trait would be counter to how you were made and if adopted wouldn’t make you, you. For example: I’m envious of people who are processors. But I’m quick witted. That is me. I’m not going to want to embody a lot of processing. However, I’ve identified situations and circumstances when that is necessary, and that’s how I embody that trait. On an as needed basis.
Compare Lists in Steps 2 and 3. Identify the overlaps and new traits you’d like to embody. This work isn’t about creating a totally new and improved you. It’s about living out the who you want to be. There should be overlaps between what you admire and how you are already. There will be some traits you’ll need to work toward cultivating.
Take One Trait You Want to Embody, and Commit to it for a Least 30 days (but 45 days is better). I can imagine you’re frustrated reading this, but hear me out. We are in a culture where we believe we have to rush everything. And change happens in an instant. Neither of those is true. All change takes practice and repetition. It’s not real change until it’s pressure tested. If you allow the time, you’ll get the practice and the pressure testing. Furthermore, one change toward who you want has the ability to have massive impact on your life if you work it, wait and watch.
Everyday for 30 days (but 45 days is better) ask your self multiple times a day, how does the woman you want to become with this trait: talk, behave; think; feel; act; hold herself; move through the world. A few things about this. You are going to miss the mark constantly. You are attempting to form new habits. Habit formation is hard and it takes time (specifically 45 days according to studies). Secondly, think about this first thing in the morning. In fact, write it down. The reason why you want to do this first thing each morning is because you want to start your day with a new intentionality. Furthermore, your less apt to forget showing up in the ways you’ve identified if you do it in the morning.
Each Evening Write Down How You Showed Up as Her with That Trait. It could be you did it one time or five times in any given circumstance. It does not matter. You’re not going for perfection, you’re going for repetition. Consistency, in the form of repetition creates change.
What do you think of Marina’s story? What do you think about the steps? I want to hear from you. Don’t be afraid to comment.